百五十八

　しかし小林の説法にはまだあとがあった。津田の様子を見すました彼は突然思いがけないところへ舞い戻って来た。それは会見の最初にちょっと二人の間に点綴(てんてつ)されながら、前後の勢いですぐどこかへ流されてしまった問題にほかならなかった。

「僕の意味はもう君に通じている。しかし君はまだなるほどという心持になれないようだ。矛盾だね。君はそのわけを知ってるよ。第一に相手が身分も地位も財産も一定の職業も持たない僕だということが、聡明な君をわずらわしているんだ。もしこれが吉川夫人か誰かの口から出るなら、それがもっとずっとつまらない説でも、君は襟を正して聴くに違いないんだ。いや僕の僻(ひが)みでも何でもない、争うべからざる事実だよ。けれども君考えなくっちゃいけないぜ。僕だからこれだけのことが言えるんだということを。先生だって奥さんだって、そこへ行くと駄目だよ。いくら先生が貧乏したって、僕だけの経験はなめていないんだからね。いわんや先生以上に楽をして生きて来た彼輩(かのはい)においてをやだ」

　彼輩とは誰のことだか津田にもよくわからなかった。彼はただ腹の中で、大方吉川夫人だの岡本だのをさすのだろうと思ったぎりであった。実際小林は相手にそんな質問をかけさせる余地を与えないで、さっさと先へ行った。

「第二にはだね。君の目下の境遇が、今僕の言ったような助言―だが忠告だか、または単なる知識の供給だか、それは何でも構わないが、とにかくそんなものに君の注意を向ける必要を感じさせないのだ。頭ではわかる、しかし胸では納得しない、これが現在の君なんだ。つまり君と僕とはそれだけ懸絶しているんだから仕方がないと跳ね付けられればそれまでだが、そこに君の注意を払わせたいのが、実は僕の目的だ、いいかね。人間の境遇もしくは位地の懸絶といったところで大したものじゃないよ。本式に言えば十人が十人ながらほぼ同じ経験を、違った形式で繰り返しているんだ。それをもっとはっきり言うとね、僕は僕で、僕に最も切実な眼でそれを見るし、君はまた君で、君に最も適当な眼でそれを見る、まあそのくらいの違いだろうじゃないか。だからさ、順境にあるものがちょっと面喰(めんくら)うか、まごつくか、蹴つまずくかすると、そらすぐ眼の球の色が変わって来るんだ。しかしいくら眼の球の色が変ったって、急に眼の位置を変えるわけには行かないだろう。つまり君に一朝(いっちょう)事があったとすると、君は僕のこの助言をきっと思いださなければならなくなるというだけのことさ」

「じゃよく気を付けて忘れないようにしておくよ」

「うん忘れずにいたまえ、必ず思い当たることが出てくるから」

「よろしい。心得たよ」

「ところがいくら心得たってだめなんだからおかいしや」

　小林はこう言って急に笑い出した。津田にはその意味がわからなかった。小林は訊かれない先に説明した。

「その時ひょっと気が付くとするぜ、いいかね。そうしたらその時の君が、やっという掛け声とともに、早変りが出来るかい。早変りをしてこの僕になれるかい」

「そいつはわからないよ」

「わからない、わかっているよ。なれないにきまってるんだ。憚(はばか)りながらここまで来るには相当の修行が要るんだからね。いかに痴鈍(ちどん)な僕といえども、現在の自分に対してはこれで血の代を払っているんだ」

　津田は小林の得意が癪に障った。こいつが狗(いぬ)のような毒血を払ってはたして何物をつかんでいる？こう思った彼はわざと軽蔑の色を面(おもて)に表して訊いて見た。

「それじゃ何のためにそんな話を僕にして聴かせるんだ。たとい僕がおぼえていたって、いざという場合の役にゃ立たないじゃないか」

「役に立つまいよ。しかし聴かないよりましじゃないか」

「聴かない方がましなくらいだ」

　小林は嬉しそうに身体を椅子の背にもたせかけてまた笑い出した。

「そこだ。そう来るところがこっちの思う壺なんだ」

「何をいうんだ」

「何も言いやしない、ただ事実を言うのさ。しかし説明だけはしてやろう。今に君がそこへ追いつめられて、どうすることも出来なくなった時に、僕の言葉を思い出すんだ。思い出すけれども、ちっとも言葉通りに実行は出来ないんだ。これならなまじいあんなことを聴いておかない方がよかったという気になるんだ」

　津田はいやな顔をした。

「馬鹿、そうすりゃどこがどうするんだ」

「どうしもしないさ。つまり君の軽蔑に対する僕の復讐がその時はじめて実現されるというだけさ」

　津田は言葉を改めた。

「それほど君は僕に敵意をもっているのか」

「どうして、どうして、敵意どころか好意精いっぱいというところだ。けれども君の僕を軽蔑しているのはいつまで行っても事実だろう。僕がその裏を指摘して、こっちから見るとその君にもまた軽蔑すべき点があると注意しても、君はおつに高く留まって平気でいるじゃないか。つまり口じゃ駄目だ、実践で来いということになるんだから、僕の方でもやむを得ずそこまで行って勝負を決しようというだけの話だあね」

「そうか、わかた。―もうそれぎりかい、君のいうことは」

「いやどうして。これからいよいよ本論にはいろうというんだ」

　津田は一気に洋盃(コップ)を唇へあてがって、ぐっと麦酒(ビール)を飲み干した小林の様子を、少し呆れながら眺めた。

158

  But Kobayashi was not yet finished with his lecture. As he looked unconcernedly at Tsuda he suddenly reverted to an unexpected topic. It was nothing other than the matter that had come up for a moment between them at the very beginning of their get-together but which had quickly been dispelled by the force of what followed.

  ‘I think you already understand what I mean. And yet you still don’t seem to want to say that of course I’m right. That ‘s a contradiction, isn’t it? But I know the reason. First of all, it’s the fact that the person who’s annoying the all-wise Tsuda by telling him these things is someone like me who hasn’t any social position, or rank, or money, or even a steady job. If this were coming from Mrs Yoshikawa or somebody like that, then even if what she were saying were a lot less worthwhile than this, I’ve no doubt, you’d sit right up straight and listen very carefully. No, this isn’t just my bias or anything like that. It’s an unchallengeable fact. But you’ll have to think about it, you know. I mean about the fact that since it’s me I’m able to say these things. And you’d better also remember that even Fujii or his wife, when it comes to that, can’t say anything. And why is that? Well, it’s very simple. It’s because, no matter how poor Fujii is, he hasn’t had the experience I’ve had. To say nothing of that crowd that lives much more comfortably than Fujii.’

  Tsuda did not know very well who was meant by ‘that crowd’. He merely thought that Kobayashi probably meant such people as Mrs Yoshikawa and Okamoto. Actually Kobayashi raced on without giving him a chance to ask a question about it.

  ‘Now in the second place --- your present circumstances make you feel you don’t have to pay attention to the advice I’m now giving you, or maybe you consider it a warning, or simply providing you with knowledge, or you can call it anything you wish, but you still won’t pay any attention to it. You understand it with your mind but your heart won’t accept it. But this is only you right now. Of course if you reject this simply by saying that since you and I are separated by so much there’s nothing that can be done about it, then the matter ends there, but actually what I want to do is make you pay attention to a certain factor. Are you still with me? The distance separating people’s circumstances and social positions is not really that great. If one speaks of fundamentals, then ten people, though they’re ten different people, repeat approximately the same experience in different forms. Let me state the matter more clearly. I am myself, and I look at things with my keenest eye; you’re you, and you look at things with an eye that is most appropriate to you. Well, I suppose it’s that degree of difference, isn’t it? That ‘s why, don’t you see? When those who are prosperous have a setback, or are in difficulty, or fail, their point of view immediately changes. But no matter how it changes, they can’t change their ingrained habits immediately, can they? In short, I’m only saying that if you should ever be in need you’ll certainly have to remember this advice of mine.’

  ‘Well then, I’ll try not to forget it.’

  ‘Yes, try not to. Something will surely bring it to mind.’

  ‘All right, I’ve got your point.’

  ‘But the funny thing is that no matter how much you get my point it won’t do you any good.’

  As Kobayashi said this he suddenly began to laugh. Tsuda did not understand what he meant. But Kobayashi explained before he could ask him.

  ‘When the time comes you may possibly become aware of what I’m saying. I’ll allow that. But if so, will you be able to change suddenly as you let loose a yelp of pain? Can you change suddenly and become me?’

  ‘Naturally I have no way of knowing.’

  ‘That’s not it at all. You know perfectly well. It’s absolutely certain you can’t become me. May I take the liberty of saying that to comes as far as I have requires a great deal of discipline.No matter how much of a fool I may be, I’ve had to pay in blood to become what I am today.’

  Tsuda was annoyed by Kobayashi’s pride. What, after all, had the wretch achieved by so much effort? Since Tsuda felt this way, he purposely showed his contempt as he asked him:

  ‘Why in the world are you telling me these things? Even if I should remember what you’re saying it wouldn’t do me any good in an emergency, would it?’

  ‘No, it probably wouldn’t. But it’s still better than not having listened at all, isn’t it?’

  ‘No, it almost seems better not to have listened.’

  Kobayashi, leaning back happily in his chair, began to laugh again.  lean

  ‘That’s just it. That’s just what I was aiming at.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I don’t mean anything. I’m just stating the facts. But I’ll explain them to you. When you shortly find yourself in real trouble and you can’t do anything about it, you’ll remember what I’ve said. You’ll remember but you won’t be able to act on it at all. And then you’ll feel that it would have been better not to have listened to me.’

  Tsuda looked displeased.

  ‘Stop being such a fool! So what if that does happen?’

  ‘Oh, nothing particular. It’s just that I’d finally have my revenge for your contempt of me.’

  Tsuda changed his tone.

  ‘Do you have that much malice towards me?’

  ‘Why in the world do you call it malice? Say rather that I’m filled with goodwill towards you. But it is a fact that you’re forever despising me. And even though I’ve seen behind your attitude and pointed out to you the contemptible areas in yourself as well, you’ve remained loftily unconcerned, haven’t you? In other words, just talking to you does no good. And so I’m merely saying that since you’ll only learn form actual experience I’m forced to fight it out at that point.’

  ‘Is that it? Now I understand. Is that all you want to say?’

  ‘No, why should it be? Now we’re finally getting to the most important part.’

  Tsuda watched with some surprise as Kobayashi, at a stroke, brought his glass to his lips and drained it of its beer.